15> Paint butt and town red.
14> Offer a nice, big, banana-shaped object to someone you love.
13> Celebrate getting through my State of the Union address without being distracted by shiny things.
12> Finally learn sign language so you can tell that bitch Koko what you really think of her.
11> Get your stinking paws on a couple of damned, dirty beers!
10> Same as every Year of the Monkey: Watch the giant bunch of crystal bananas fall in Tiananmen Square as the God of Longevity, Dik Kwok, emcees.
9> Call Robin Williams and Ed Asner and offer to give them a good grooming.
8> Slurp a banana daiquiri off of Paris Hilton’s highly evolved body.
7> The heck with Shakespeare — get your friends and typewriters together and submit some hot-monkey-love letters to Penthouse.
6> Telephone Charlton Heston at midnight and coo, “Happy New Year, Bright Eyes!”
5> Get spankin’!
4> 1) Marry Britney Spears. 2) Pick fleas off each other while waiting for the annulment.
3> When at the Dairy Queen, order your banana splits with “more grubs, less poo.”
2> Party ’til you puke. Lap it up. Repeat.
1> Tell your wife that this year it’s got to be frequent, fast and from behind.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]