16> The air is filled with the gentle “twang” of pulled groin muscles.
15> 48 states dealing with shortage of hookers and cliches.
14> Police abandon strict enforcement of harsh “No Pepper” laws.
13> A lonely Marge Schott once again combs Florida bars for an eligible White Supremacist to bed.
12> South American drug cartels shift to round-the-clock production schedules.
11> Bat construction industry shifts from “spouse beating bats” to “baseball bats.”
10> Business up 4000% at the Ft. Lauderdale Hooters.
9> Morganna the Gumming Bandit is sighted doing wind sprints.
8> Thirty injured in whirlwind created by frenzy of sports reporters sucking up to Ken Griffey, Jr.
7> El Nino floodwaters: clear. Tobacco juice floodwaters: brown. It ain’t rocket science, Chester.
6> Pete Rose sends Hall of Fame voting members the FTD “Let-Me-In” Bouquet.
5> The Florida Marlins trade Gary Sheffield for Harry Caray.
4> Your hubby can’t get aroused unless you “bend over and sweep home plate” first.
3> Stadium hot dog vendors gleefully skim the scum off last year’s weenie water.
2> Dwight Gooden finally begins to stir from his New Year’s Eve stupor.
1> George Will’s sphincter relaxes to nearly-human dimensions.