I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. — Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. — Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. — Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. — Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. — Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. — Susie Loucks
This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” — Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. — Carol Leifer
I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. — Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. — Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men woeld be wearing them. — Sue Grafton
I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. — Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. — Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. — Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? — Wendy Liebman
“I think – therefore I’m single.” — Lizz Winstead
“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” — Elayne Boosler
“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” — Gilda Radner
“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” — Maryon Pearson
“Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.” — Bella Abzug
“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.” — Margaret Thatcher
“If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary.” — Margaret Atwood
“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” — Gloria Steinem
“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” — Gloria Steinem
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” — Katharine Hepburn
“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” — Marie Corelli
“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.” — Baroness Edith Summerskill
“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” — Linda Ellerbee
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor