You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny YoungmanThe best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. — Ann BancroftAny husband who says. ”My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill CosbyKeep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. –Benjamin FranklinMy wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny YoungmanMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney DangerfieldA good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton BerleI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George BurnsWhat’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. — Cindy GarnerWhen women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. — Elaine BooslerI bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ”There was water in the carburetor.” I said, ”Where’s the car?” She said, ”In the lake.” — Henny YoungmanNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis DillerMy mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. — Rita RudnerThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny YoungmanPeople are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. — Erma Bombeck