13> Your co-workers are obliviously to the fact that your ‘DayTimer’ is really a leather-bound TV Guide.12> You’re still trying to find a publisher for your book ‘C-Span for Dummies.’11> You have DSS, DVD, HBO, MTV, HDTV, MSNBC — and HSA (Huge Sofa Ass).10> To reduce ‘downtime’ — you got an *elective* colostomy. 9> Last night you dreamt Sally Struthers begged you to send money to buy rice for poor, starving Ally McBeal. 8> Your name: Nick Nickelodeon’s new channel: Nick for Nick 7> You write daily to the producers of ‘Bassmasters’ to urge them come out with movie version. 6> Your last comment to your most recent ex-wife: ‘Shhhhhhh! T.J. Hooker’s on.’ 5> You effortlessly crack walnuts with your clicker thumb. 4> Forget the dish, *you* have your own friggin’ satellite. 3> As surgeons painstakingly remove the petrified Cheetos embedded in your gargantuan ass cheeks, you spend the entire 7 hours staring dumbly at the EKG monitor. 2> Those 37 electrocutions still don’t deter you from watching cartoons in the shower. 1> The last time you *read* for enjoyment was when they subtitled Arnold the Pig on an episode of Green Acres.