25> There’s been no delay; that’s just the quaaludes talking, dude.
24> It took that long just to remember all the lists. You think we write this crap down?
23> Chris was busy with his day job: translating the Harry Potter book series into Pig Latin.
22> Prima donnas Muse and Hollister held out for a piece of the movie rights.
21> Ecstreemly difikult to find proffreders among TopFive contributers.
20> Chris had precious little free time because of all those extra shifts down at the 7-Eleven.
19> Printers inexplicably kept hacking every list down to a paltry five items.
18> Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, comes between Chris and his daily Macarenaerobics classes.
17> Like a typical man, Chris steadfastly refused to stop and ask for directions.
16> Hey, man, *you* try getting a million monkeys to lay off the Shakespeare-writing and poo-flinging long enough to edit a book.
15> Friggin’ hurricane list kept fouling the presses.
14> Chris was too busy burning incense and paying tribute at the altar of Rip Taylor.
13> Greedy bastard Rosenberg kept holding out for additional 1/238th of cent royalty per book.
12> Courtesy delay so as not to knock Stephen King’s latest from the top spot on the N.Y. Times Bestseller list.
11> Kept holding out for one more Clinton scandal.
10> With a little careful planning, a publisher’s advance can finance a surprisingly long hookers-and-coke bender.
9> Technical difficulties: The TopFive deflector dish emitted a tachyon beam which tore a temporal rift in the fabric of space/time, repeatedly jettisoning the books into the future.
8> Took that long for Oprah to deposit the payola check.
7> Chris’ daily Gallo binges brought the ghost of Orson Welles and his dire “Serve no lists before their time!” warnings.
6> Greedy Nobel and Pulitzer judges insisted on a full year’s worth of cash, drugs and hookers.
5> Chris has been detained at Guantanamo Bay ever since the publication of our “Top 15 Reasons Allah Can Kick Your Jesus’ Ass Any Day of the Week” list.
4> Damn tree-hugging liberal contributors insisted on a certified dolphin-friendly printer.
3> As a featured dancer, Chris never had the time to edit unti the Broadway show of “Cats” closed.
2> Kept waiting in hopes of including a “Top 5 Ways to Punish Osama and Saddam Now That We’ve Finally Caught Them” list.
1> We were waiting for TopFive scientists to develop a special suck-proof ink.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]