Today, watching television often means fighting, violence and foul language — and that’s just deciding who gets to hold the remote control. –Donna Gephart
Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly — now that’s probably got some nasty roots on it. –Crabby Road
He drops more names than a telephone book with bad binding. –Michel Marriott
She talks so fast that trying to interject is like threading the needle of a sewing machine while it’s running. –Nelda Flynn
Philosophy of Life: What it comes down to is, when you come into the world you have nothing … when you leave you have nothing … and in between there’s the IRS. –Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)
Word skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere. –Amy Tan
A raise is like a martini: it elevates the spirit, but only temporarily. –Dan Seligman
The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning. –Jerry Seinfeld
She uses tired clichis like coasters — a place to rest her mind before picking it up and using it again. –Janet Schwind
“Charity begins at home.” At about 6:30, when they call you and interrupt your dinner. –Crabby Road
The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way. –Earle Hitchner
Anyone with money to burn will always find himself surrounded by people with matches. Joe Ryan
If time were a color, I bet it would be a tasteful off-white. –Greg Parrish
For some reason, immigrants always think that they have to join an onion before they’re allowed to work. –Chris Gahan
Whenever I’m driving through the desert, and I see a roadrunner, I run it over and say, “That’s for the coyote!” I don’t really like the coyote, but it’s a good excuse to run over things. –Craig Stacey
I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted. –Paul Paternoster
If I can make just one person laugh, then it must’ve been a pretty good eulogy. –Wade Kwon
I don’t see why people waste good money buying blenders. A garbage disposal works just as well, and it comes with the apartment. –Paul Paternoster
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference. –Steven Wright
Old lie — The check is in the mail. New lie — I didn’t check the e-mail. –Brian Fine
I won’t stand for gossip! No, I sit down and make myself comfortable for gossip. –Crabby Road