* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
* Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
* When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
* Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.