15> Second-term presidents should be referred to as “endangered waterfowl.”
14> Sports teams asked to use only free-range mascots.
13> Fishnet stockings should now be called “catch-and-release hosiery.”
12> Change Iran back to Persia, have Thailand revert to Siam, and change Canada back to Tabby.
11> Carnival Cruises? Now they’re Herbival Cruises.
10> “Beating your meat” now to be known as “petting your hand-raised chinchilla.”
9> “Ladies and gentlemen, here he is! Live by the dashboard light… Tofu Loaf!”
8> Spam luncheon meat? No changes necessary until DNA tests are completed.
7> Reintroduce Wolf Blitzer into the wild.
6> The popular movie-actor-association game shall heretofore be referred to as “Six Degrees of Kevin Tofurkey.”
5> “Easter keg hunts” sound like more fun anyway.
4> As part of their ongoing efforts to stop women from wearing fur, free Brazilian waxes for all!
3> Pamplona, Spain, will now host the Running of the Noses.
2> Tim Russert should be hosting “Tomato the Press.”
1> Demands that other burger chains follow White Castle’s lead in eliminating all meat from its products.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]