- You pronounce “sin” with two syllables.
- Your daughter’s beehive hairdo matches your wifes.
- You think Jesus is liberal.
- You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
- You know God on a first name basis.
- You have your application in for the Trinity.
- You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
- You think hair tonic is Biblical.
- You think dancing is a form of artificial insemination.
- You find June Cleaver attractive.
- You believe Moses could have shaved.
- You have a portrait of Sodom and Gommorrah the day after it was nuked.
- You pronounce it “Bab-tist.”
- You still think Jimmy Swaggert wasn’t so bad till he got caught up with those “wimmin.”
- You think “dike” is a big wall in Holland.
- You insist on using “gay” to describe your night out with the boys.
- You know the three greek words for love.
- You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
- You thought Naked Gun was a Clint Eastwood movie.
- You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy
- You called your teacher “the Beast” as a child.
- You barbecue ribs and invite your Muslim friends over for dinner.
- You’ve ever attended a book burning.
- You built your own ark model.
- You pointed out all the errors in Jurassic Park according to Genesis.
- You think Monopoly teaches greed.
- You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
- You are one of those idiots who insist on bringing up religion on the airplane by saying, “Gee, if this plane were to crash, would you go to heaven?”
- You support Hare Krishna’s in the airport because it means your denomination can have a booth across the hall.
- You can trace Saddam Hussein’s genealogy to Nebuchaddnezzar.
- You think Mormons are mistaken but they sure do dress nice.
- You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
- You wonder why the Dali Lama worships those funny goat-like sheep.
- You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
- You can prove that unscrambling “Santa” is “Satan.”
- You know that Jesus was born in April but probably would have liked a tree anyway.
- You exchange any currency that has three 6’s in a row.
- You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
- You think that bar codes are demonic.
- You enjoy Wal Mart.
- You sneak a peek at Madonna’s Album covers and claim you’re doing research.
- You take National Geographic and draw bikinis on all the naked people.
- You think People Magazine is pornography.
- You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan’s Service.
- You found back masking on Amy Grant’s albums that chant.
- You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
- You think laughter is a tool of the devil.
- You think that tools are tools of the devil.
- you think that tools are devils.
- You buy everything at Sears.
- You think the J. C. Penny catalog is pretty snappy.
- You think Victoria’s Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy.
- You know the writing on the statue of liberty’s tablet was put there by a Mason.
- You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
- You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president.
- You think Jerry Falwell is liberal.
- You think Mother Theresa is stocking away all her money and getting away on wild weekends at Cannes.
- You say “Darn.”
- You have all of your radio buttons tuned into religious stations.
- You enjoy Muzak.
- Your idea of a hot weekend is to attend an anti-Catholic seminar.
- If you’ve ever helped in a baptism and you thought they should stay under water longer.
- You won’t wear a robe even in the bathroom.
- You won’t wear colored underwear.
- You think Phyllis Schafly is sexy.
- You think the guy with the hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
- You think the NEA is a tool of the devil.
- You won’t go to a museum because they have pictures of nekked wimmin.
- You won’t go to a park because they have statues of nekked wimmin.
- You won’t go in your bathroom because your wife sometimes is nekked.
- You don’t have children because it means you and your wife would have to get nekked. . .a little.
- A modem is a tool of the devil.
- You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
- You like Spam.
- You think Stuckey’s is a great american institution.
- You think Bingo was a pretty good game until them Catholics took it over.
- You think, “I wouldn’t be caught dead gambling,” as you purchase your lottery ticket as an investment.
- You think Bill Clinton is the Devil.
- You think Hillary Clinton is the Devil.
- You call Israel the Holy Land.
- You enjoy using flannel art.
- You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments. . .but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
- You pronounce “repent” as “rheeeee- paint.”
- You say Amen more than once an hour.
- You pray so long your food gets cold.
- You think Doctors are a tool of the devil.
- You think teachers are a tool of the devil.
- You think science is a tool of the devil.
- You think Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
- You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit. . .but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
- You sit still in your living room on Sundays so God won’t get pissed off at you because you are working on the Lord’s day.
- You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase.
- Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch.
- You become an Amway dealer to evangelise in disguise.
- You like being an Amway dealer.
- You think A.A. is liberal.
- You think Aids are those little chocolate candies to lose weight.
- You have your name stamped on all your Bibles.
- You have more than 10 Bibles.
- You think that Catholics actually pray to little plaster statues.
- You think Notre Dame football team are all secretly Jesuit priests in an Illuminati conspiracy.
- You think Amy Grant is a tool of the devil.
- You think underneath the Pope’s skull cap is the mark of the beast.
- You have evidence “They” are rebuilding the temple in Jerusalem.
- You name your children after the apostles.
- You name your child Ichabod, Shalmaneser, Jeremiah or Ezekiel.
- You have a Bible Cover that looks like a doily.
- You like all that country living paraphenalia crap.
- You preach against gossip but you thumb through the National Enquirer at the check-out line.
- You wonder just who is this Jenny McCarthy.
- You won’t own a credit card because “they” might use to give you a “mark of the beast.”
- You rail against Catholics for statues but wear a cross around your own neck.
- You always bring bean cassarole to a church pot-luck.