* Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, “You’ve been bad and now you’re goin’ down, punk!” * Keeps going on about how the New York Times should publish his 35,000 word list of who’s naughty and nice. * Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots. * Right before souvenir photo is snapped, he whispers, “This year, you ain’t gettin’ squat!” * When kids say, “My daddy says you’re not really Santa,” he responds with, “He’s not really your daddy.” * That snowy beard? Nothin’ but nose hair. * While it’s admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the kiddies.