Accountants do it with Double EntryAcupuncturists do it with a small prickAmbulance drivers come quickerAustralians do it Down UnderBankers do it with interestBartenders do it on the RocksChess players check their MatesCops do it with cuffsDJs do it on requestDeep-sea divers do it under extreme pressureDentists do it orallyDetectives do it under coverDon’t do it with Bankers, most of them are TellersFiremen do it with a big hoseFrank Sinatra does it his wayGarbagemen come twice a weekGardeners do it in the bushesGas attendants pump all dayHousewives do it for an allowanceJockeys gallop hard and finish fastLandlords do it the 1st of every monthMountain climbers like to be on topMilitary do it on command!Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it’s freeTruckers do it in the roadTravel agents do it in lots of different placesWaiters and waitresses do it for tipsWatch out for tennis players – love means nothing to them!
Author: admin
Don’t Mess With The I.R.S!
To: All Male U.S. Citizens From: I.R.S. Service Center Re: Notice of increase in tax payments The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size.
——- The categories are as follows: ——- 10 – 12 inches…….Luxury Tax $
30.00 8 –
10……………Pole Tax $
25.00 5 –
8…………….Privilege Tax $
15.00 4 –
5…………….Nuisance Tax $
3.00
Males exceeding 12″ must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4″ is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! Sincerely, Pecker Checker I.R.S
Forgive Me Father
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he
went to his priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a
refugee in my attic.”
“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”‘
“But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed.”
“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”
“Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind.” He paused for a moment and then
said, “I have one more question…”
“What is that, my son?”
“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”
Whats a puzzle for Helon Keller
What is a puzzle for Helon Keller said Dick?
I dont know what is it said Jhonson?
To give her a basketball!!!
Jury
Why did all the young girls flock to the courtroom?
They’d heard about the hung jury.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Ooooooooooooooopppppppppssssssssss!!!!!!!!
Q.What is the difference between a lighbulb and a pregnant lady?
A.You can unscrew a lightbulb.
The Lie Detector Test
A blonde goes to a lie detector test where instead of it beeping it makes them explode.When she gets there she meets a red haired girl and a brown haired girl.The red haired girl goes first.She says i’m the prettiest girl in the world.She explodes.Next went the brown haired girl.She says i’m the sexiest girl in the world.She explodes.Finally the blonde goes.She says I think.She explodes.
New Rules!
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Just Looking Around
A blind man walks into a grocery store with his guide dog. All of the sudden he stops walking, the manager of the store begins to take notice of him, then the blind man swings the dog around and around above his head. The manager asks him what his is doing the blind man replies, “Just looking around.”
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
Football Fan To The
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook. “But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.”Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.”Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook. “I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says. “I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks. “I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.