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Era un concurso internacional en el que participaban un alem�n, un americano y un mexicano. El ganador ser�a el que lograra pasar sin armas un bosque con lobos, cruzar nadando un lago lleno de cocodrilos, entrar a una cueva y matar a un oso a cachetadas y al final hacer el amor con una mujer.

En primer lugar se lanza el alem�n; entra en el bosque e inmediatamente los lobos se lo comen.

Sigue el turno del americano quien logra deshacerse de los lobos, pero al tratar de cruzar el lago es devorado por los cocodrilos.

Por �ltimo llega el turno del mexicano, quien logra pasar el bosque, llega al lago, pelea con los cocodrilos y sale con vida. Inmediatamente entra a la cueva del oso. Se escuchan ruidos extra�os, rugidos, gritos y despu�s de un rato sale el mexicano lleno de sangre y con sus ropas destrozadas y pregunta:

“�D�nde est� la vieja esa que hay que matar a cachetadas?”

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor.

The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.

When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.

She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror.

The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.

After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.

The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, “I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.”

A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it: “I
pray for all.”
A Solicitor wrote underneath: “I plead for all.”

A doctor added: “I prescribe for all.”

A simple citizen wrote: “I pay for all.”

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time… and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year… maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?” His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.” “What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked. “Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, ‘F*ck You’, and I holler back, ‘F*ck You too.

Andy Rooney on Prisoners.

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a tread mill and generate electricity. And, if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric softeners are how wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it’s hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney on cripes.

My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.They use words like ‘Cripes’ ‘For Cripes sake.’ Who would that be: Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it; You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Andy Rooney on Grandmas.

My grandmother has a bumper sticker that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Andy Rooney on answering machines.

Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are,too. The thought for the day is: “Share the love.” BEEP “Uh, yeah. . .this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love..”

Andy Rooney on Monica.

Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.