Author: admin

Una se�orita va a la

Posted on by admin

Una se�orita va a la iglesia a confesarse:

“Perd�neme, padre, porque he pecado”.

“Bueno, hija, cu�ntame tus pecados”, le responde el cura.

“El otro d�a estaba caminando por la calle cuando me encontr� con un viejo amigo. Fuimos a tomar un caf� y empezamos a charlar, despu�s fuimos a su departamento e hicimos el amor. Y como yo soy tan fr�gil…”

“Fr�gil, hija, se dice fr�gil”, interpone el padre.

“Bueno, al d�a siguiente estaba sentada en la plaza cuando de repente se aparece otro amigo. Empezamos a charlar y despu�s terminamos en mi departamento e hicimos el amor. Y como yo soy tan fr�gil…”

“Fr�gil, hija, fr�gil,” dice otra vez el cura.

“Y ayer estaba con mis amigas cuando se apareci� mi novio. Empezamos a conversar, y despu�s fuimos a su departamento y como yo soy tan… �Ay! �Cu�l es esa palabra, padre?”

“Puta, hija, puta”.

Daddy calling only to find…

Posted on by admin

Dave called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. “Hello?” said a little girl’s voice.”Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” said Dave. “Is mommy near the phone?” “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Kevin.”After a brief pause, Dave said, “But you don’t have an Uncle Kevin, honey!””Yes I do. He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!””Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Kevin that my car just pulled up outside the house.””Okay, Daddy!”A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.””And what happened?””Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.””Oh my god! And what about Uncle Kevin?””He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he’s dead too.”There was a long pause, then Bob said, “Swimming pool? Is this 555- 7039?”

Redneck quickies 26

Posted on by admin

You might be a rednack if…You’ve ever worn hunter’s orange to church. You have barnyard animals living in your house.Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, “Gun control is a steady hand.” Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.You have ever shot a possum on your porch. You don’t use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can’t see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors’ dogs when they get into it.You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup. You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house….not including 22 caliber.You have guns in your house that you cannot find. You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches. You think Wal-Mart is expensive.You’ve got more guns “On Display” than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods. You have ever written a check for less than a dollar. Your horse wears shoes, but you don’t. It doesn’t bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted. You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel. You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word. Your dog is your alarm clock.

Hab�a cierta vez un tipo

Posted on by admin

Hab�a cierta vez un tipo llamado Bernardo Berm�dez. En el d�a de su aniversario de casados, su esposa (que ten�a la costumbre de poner en cualquier obsequio que le daba las iniciales del marido) pensaba qu� regalarle.

Se le ocurri� entonces tatuarse una B en cada nalga, cosa que hizo inmediatamente. Al llegar el tipo del trabajo, ella le dice:

“D�jame ense�arte tu regalo.”

La mujer se desviste y se empina, para que el marido pueda verla en todo su esplendor.

Acto seguido su marido pregunta: “�Quien es BOB?”

Long Haul Trucker

Posted on by admin

A long haul trucker had been on the road for months when he happened by a brothel in Nevada. He walked in and slammed $500 down on the desk and told the madam to bring him her ugliest woman and a baloney sandwich.

She said, “Oh, sir! For that kind of money, I’ll give you the best looking dame in the place and a 7 course dinner!”

He said, “I ain’t horny – just homesick.”

Two Sides to Every Story

Posted on by admin

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in MIS” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must work in business.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

I followed the tracks

Posted on by admin

Three guys went on a hunting weekend. The first day they all headed out their separate ways, but only the black haired guy had any luck.

Back at the cabin, his 2 buddies asked him how he got the deer. He said, “It was easy. I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw the deer. I shot the deer.”

The next day, they all headed out again. This time the red-head came back with a deer.

Back at the cabin, the other 2 asked him how he got the deer, to which he replied, “Well, it was just like we were told. I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. I saw the deer. I shot the deer.”

The third day they headed out again. At the end of the day they all headed back to the cabin, but when the blond guy arrived he was all beaten and bloodied.

“What happened to YOU?” his buddies asked.

“Well,” he said, “I tried to do what you said. I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. Train hit me!”