Best read with a Japanese accent: Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when
there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard,
pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, “You sign,
you sign!”
The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.
The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man’s nose,
gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, “You sign, you sign!”
Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he’s back with two truckloads
of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.
Mandela loses his temper and yells, “Look, I don’t want these. Do you
understand? You have the wrong person.”
Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, “Ah soh. You not
Nissan Main dealer?”
Author: admin
Capacity
What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?
One U.S. leader.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Dead Horse Tales
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business, we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying ‘This is the way we always have ridden this horse.’ 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today’s environment.10. Change the requirements declaring that ‘This horse is not dead!’11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.13. Declaring that ‘No horse is to dead too beat.’14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.15. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.17. Declare the horse is ‘better, faster and cheaper’ dead.18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Little Johnny’s finger
One day little Johnny saw a girl at school he told her to come to his house after school. But she said I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. Johnny said o come on nothing can happen.When they got there he said “lets go to my room” she then said I don’t know if that’s a good idea. He said “I want to show you something” she went up and he said get in my bed nude she said “I don’t think that’s such a good idea” he said “oh come on I wont do anything.”He said “can I put my finger in your belly button” she didn’t question because she knew he would get his way. Next thing happened and she said “that’s not my belly button” he said “I know and that’s not my finger.”
Una mujer va al ginec�logo
Una mujer va al ginec�logo y �ste le pregunta:
“�Qu� problema tiene se�ora?”
“El m�o es un problema muy extra�o y muy dif�cil de explicar. Resulta que cada vez que hago el amor con mi marido me sale una mancha gris en el co�o que, curiosamente, se me quita cada vez que me ducho.”
“Pues s� que es raro lo suyo. La verdad es que nunca me hab�a enfrentado a un caso as�. Creo que la mejor forma para resolverlo es que venga usted ma�ana, despu�s de haber hecho el amor con su marido, y le examine yo mismo la mancha de la que me habla.”
Dicho y hecho, al otro d�a la mujer se presenta en la consulta, y el ginec�logo comienza a examinarle la mancha.
Tras unos segundos de observaci�n, el doctor le pregunta a la paciente:
“�Joder! Creo que ya se lo que le pasa. �Por casualidad no ser� su marido carpintero?”
“Pues s� doctor.”
“�Pues d�gale a su marido que cuando la coma el co�o se quite el l�piz de la oreja!”
Breakfast
An angry wife met her elderly husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there’s a very good reason for your waltzing in at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is.” he replied, “It’s called breakfast.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
The girl and the door
why did the girl run into the door?
because she was a retard
HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn’t find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn’t spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside…
And of course you’re still lost.
Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:
Dormitory … Dirty Room
Evangelist … Evil’s Agent
Desperation … A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code … Here Come Dots
Slot Machines … Cash Lost in ’em
Animosity … Is No Amity
Mother-in law … Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms … Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness … Genuine Class
Semolina …Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries … Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point… I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes … That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two … Twelve plus one
Contradiction … Accord not in it
President Clinton of the USA … To copulate, he finds interns.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Nok nok
nok nok ! whose there? banana banana who? nok nok whose there banana banana who? nok nok let me guess its banana? Nope ok i’ll anwser the door then. WHO IS IT THIS TIME? Its Orange. OH YEAH ORANGE WHO? Orange you glad i didn’t say banana ?
Confucius Say….
Confucius say….
Man who fingers girl during her period, often get caught red-handed
Muffinless
People eat muffins for breakfast, and for snacks. But not Harold. Harold was muffinless. He loved the tasty goodness of the top part and the more tasty goodness of the bottom part but still, he was muffinless. One day, Harold became ill and his doctor told him to stay in bed. On that day, it rained muffins. One day a neighbor came up to Harold and told him to have a muffin, but whether it was good, bad, poisoned, or delicious, we will never know, for that is the end of our story.