One spring day a stranger walked into a small town looking for a
job. He met up with a farmer who hired him as a farmhand to help
with the planting. On the way to the farm, which was thirty
miles away, the farmer asked the stranger what his name was. The
stranger said, “My name is John, just plain John.” “Everybody
has a last name,” the farmer said. “I don’t use my last name,
because I am embarrassed of it,” John said. Finally, after a lot
of pushing about his name, John said “My last name is
Five-fingers-up-my-ass.” “I’ll just call you John,” the farmer
said.
When they got to the farm, the farmer introduced the new hired
hand to his wife. Later that day while John was milking the
cows, she asked her husband about John’s last name. The farmer
replied, “Call him John, just plain John.” Her curiosity was not
satisfied, however, so she went to the barn to try to find out
what John’s last name was. After much pleading, John finally
said, “I’ll tell you my last name if you promise not to tell
anyone even your husband.” “I’ll never tell anyone,” she said.
“My last name is very embarrassing to me, it’s Fuck-me-quick.”
“I’ll just call you John,” she said as her face turned red.
Later that afternoon the farmer’s daughter came home from school
and was introduced to John. The next day she was watching John
while he did his work and asked him about his last name. After a
great deal of pestering, he made her promise not to tell, and
she agreed to keep quiet. “My last name is Cunt-itches.” he
said. “I’ll just call you John.” she said.
The summer went by with no problems with John’s work. After the
harvest that fall the wife said to her husband, “Now that the
crops are harvested, why don’t we take a vacation for a couple
of weeks. John can handle things here while we’re gone.” The
farmer agreed to talk to John about it that evening. That night
the farmer talked to John and he agreed to watch the farm. The
next day the family left. Two weeks passed and the farmer and
his family returned. They found an empty house, all their
valuables were gone, the cows were half starved and hadn’t been
milked in days. The farmer called the police, unfortunately John
was not found.
Two years went by, the family replaced most of their belongings,
and still no trace of John. One Fall day the farmer took his
family to the horse races at the county fair. After a few
minutes the daughter saw John on the other side of the track.
She got her mother’s attention and said, “Mom, Cunt-itches,
Cunt-itches.” “Well, scratch it,” her mother said. A few minutes
later she noticed John and said to her husband, “Fuck-me-quick,
Fuck-me-quick.” He replied, “Can’t you wait until we get home?”
Then he saw John. He stood up and yelled, “I’ll give twenty
dollars to any man who can get Five-fingers-up-my-ass!” Needless
to say, John got away.