whats long brown and sticky?
a stick!
Author: admin
Good.. Bad.. Worse
Good: You’re having sex. Bad: The dog came in during and licked your butt. Worse: You liked it.Good: Your teenage son is spending a lot of time in his room “studying” Bad: You find a bunch of gay porno tapes hidden in his room. Worse: He’s in them.Good: Your wife gives your daughter the birds and the bees speech. Bad: Your daughter keeps interrupting….. Worse: ……with corrections.
Don’t help them
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
“What happened to you?” asked his wife.
“I’ll never understand women,” he replied. “I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!”
“I can certainly appreciate that,” said the wife, “but how did you get the second black eye?”
“Well, I figured she liked it that way,” said the husband, “so I pushed it back in.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Bouncer
Q. How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
A. None! He fell.
Snow blower
How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel!
Q: How many American
Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Two – one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
Why do liberals travel in threes?
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both
intellectuals.
What time is it?
A couple was on vacation when they realized they had left their watches at
the hotel. They saw a man resting with his donkey and asked him if he knew
what time it was. The man looked up and grabbed the donkeys balls, lifted
them up and said, “Well it looks like it’s 2:10 in the afternoon.” The
couple amazed at the mans ability to tell time by lifting the donkeys
balls, asked, “How can you tell time by lifting the donkeys balls?” The
man said, “It’s very easy, first you lift the donkeys balls like this,” he
then lifted them as the couple watched. “O.K” The man said, “Now you can
see the clock on the wall over there.”
Estaba una pareja en casa
Estaba una pareja en casa de la novia acarici�ndose ardientemente. De pronto, la chica, ya muy excitada, le saca el pene al novio; comienza a acariciarlo y termina por introducirlo en su boca. En ese momento llega la madre y pregunta escandalizada:
“�Qu� est� pasando?”
El novio, agachado y a�n con el pene fuera del pantal�n, le contesta:
“Estoy buscando un rat�n. �D�nde estar� ese maldito rat�n?”
Enfurecida, la suegra le grita:
“�Lo est�s buscando para matarlo o para cog�rtelo, cabr�n?”
Stinky Feet, Bad Breath
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks!”
Hmmm…Ponderings
What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — “Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I’d better carpet the toilet too.”
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?
All the king’s HORSES and all the king’s men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn’t put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”
Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, “And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!” I think not.
Fear of bombs on planes
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives
all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated
flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that
someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess
demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every
time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be
convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have
a bomb on a plane?”
The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe
one in five hundred thousand.”
She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people
having a bomb on the same plane?”
Again he went through his tables.
“Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.