Hitler and the Pig

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Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn’t see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.

Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he’s done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they’re in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they’d react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn’t drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.

Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.

Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.

Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, “I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I’ve ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way.”

Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, “well what exactly did you tell them?”

To which the chauffeur replied “I really can’t understand it either, all I did was tell them “I’m Hitler’s Chauffeur, and I killed the pig.”

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Horse call

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A wife slapped her husband around the face after discovering a piece of paper in his jacket pocket with the name Jo-anne written on it.

He protested: “It was the name of a horse I bet on yesterday.”

The following day she slapped him again.

“What was that for?” he said.

“Your horse called today!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

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Devouted Catholic

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There’s this man, a devout catholic, who really wants to meet the pope. When the pope comes to his town on his world tour, the man puts on his finest Armani suit and goes down to see him.Well, there are hundreds and hundreds of well dressed people, but the pope walks right up to this one especially shabby guy. The guy is clearly a homeless person, unshaven, smelly and dressed in rags. The pope leans over and has a conversation with the guy.Well, our hero notices this, and he realizes there is no way that he can possibly be noticed in the sea of Armani suits, so he ducks into a bathroom, shreds his clothing and makes himself up to be equally shabby.Sure enough, when he comes out the pope comes right over to him, leans over and says, “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.”

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Be Careful What You Wish For

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Early one morning, Jerome was walking along a beach. In the sand he found a brass lamp. He decided to rub the lamp and a beautiful genie appeared.
Jerome, being quite a bright lad, said “I have released you from your prison and you must grant me 3 wishes.”

The Genie said “That is true but my powers are rusty. You will have to come back tomorrow.”

Jerome replied “Oh, but I cannot wait till tomorrow, because I am a student and must take my finals exams then.”

The Genie responded, “Very well. I will write you 3 letters of acquaintance. Give one to each of the wizards whose address I have written on the letters and they will grant you a wish on my behalf.”

Off Jerome went. On the way he wondered what to wish for and thought about his exams tomorrow. He suspected what some of the exam questions might be and thought why not be sure I have the correct answers. So he decided to ask the Wizards to unravel some perplex mysteries for him.

To the first, he asked to know the secret of how Caramel puts the caramel in their bars. Poof . . . the Wizard sent him to the Chocolate Factory and he discovered how it was done.

To the second Wizard, he asked how toothpaste could come out like a candy cane . . . with the red stripe down it. Poof . . . the Wizard send him to the Toothpaste Factory and he now knew how it was done.

To the third Wizard (whom he woke up) . . . he asked how the pyramids were built. Poof . . . Jerome found himself in the Egyptian Desert working with thousands of other slaves.

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Moths

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The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.

The woman cocked her ear, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you.” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But..but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “The little bastards!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked…

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When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the
shower. Pointing to her chest she asked her “What are those?”

Hiliary’s response was “Oh honey, those are my breasts.”

Chelsea asked “Will I get breasts?”

“Yes, when you’re older.” said Hillary.

A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower.
Pointing towards his penis, she asked “What’s that?”

Bill responded “Oh honey, that’s my penis.”

Chelsea asked “Will I get a penis?”

Bill responded, “Yes, when your mother leaves.”

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One Too Many

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An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ”So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” ”What makes you say that?” he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. ”The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

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You figure it out

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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boytoy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

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Un ingl�s quer�a vender un

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Un ingl�s quer�a vender un caballo viejo, pero nadie quer�a comprarlo. Por fin se le acerc� un gitano:

“�Se�or, nadie va a comprar un caballo tan flaco!”

“�Y qu� me aconseja usted?”, dijo el ingl�s.

“Yo puedo ayudarle”, dice el gitano al tiempo que saca un tubo, lo introduce en el ano del caballo y empieza a soplar con fuerza. El caballo empez� a engordar, pero el gitano se cans� pronto y le dice al ingl�s:

“Le toca a usted”.

El ingl�s toma el tubo, lo saca del ano del animal, lo volta y lo vuelve a introducir por el otro extremo, luego empez� a soplar. Sorprendido, el gitano le pregunta:

“�Qu� le pasa?”

“�Oh, es que me da asco la saliva de otra gente!”

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