There were once 3 guys named Bob, Joe, and Jack. They were all
walking through a field when they came across this sign that
said: THIS PROPERTY BELONGS TO A HOMICIDAL FRUIT FARMER.
TRESPASSERS WILL BE KILLED!
The 3 guys ignored it, thought it was just crap. They were
walking for a few more minutes when suddenly they heard a gun
shot, they all froze and saw this little farmer with a shot gun
running at them.
He yelled at them, “Didn’t you see the damn sign?! Now I have to
kill all of you!”
The 3 guys were completely freaked.
“But I’ll give you a chance,” the farmer continued, “choose a
fruit and shove it up your ass, if you don’t laugh I let you
live.”
Bob went first, he had some cherries, he shoved them up his
butt, laughed and was immediately blown away.
Joe came up next with a n orange, shoved it up his butt, laughed
and was killed by the farmer.
The two guys meet in heaven. Joe asks Bob, “Why did you laugh?”
Bob replied, “It tickled, why did you laugh?”
“Well,” Joe replied stiffling a giggle, “because I saw Jack
running up with a watermelon!”
Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
Fathers Day at Kindergarden
It was Fathers day at kindergarten and it was little johnny’s turn to say what his father did for a living. He stood up and said “My father takes his clothes off for old men and gets paid only 5 cents a hour. Everyone was silent before the teacher came over and asked if it was true. He replied “”No”” but I was too emmbarresed to say my father plays for the English cricket team!
“
Question and answer Clinton joke
Hellman mayonnaise
Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(“desperados”) at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as …Sinko de Mayo.
Two Dollars
Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty
side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, Hey! How
about it babe? You and me?
As she got up to move, he said loudly, Honey, you sure look like you could
use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.
She looked back and replied just as loudly, What makes you think I charge by
the inch?
Actual Directions
These are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!
1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
“You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
inside!”
you think to your self (Shoplifters special)
2. On Tesco’s Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
“Do not turn upsode down”
(Too late)
3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding.
“Product will be hot after heating”
(Just as day follows night)
4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
“Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY”
(As opposed to what now?)
5. On Sainsbury’s peanuts.
“WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!”
(Talk about your news flash)
6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
“Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts.”
You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)
7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
“Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
genitals!!”
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere!My GOD!)
One Too Many
An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on
his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl
outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl
the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and
falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull
himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon
as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
”So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” ”What makes you say that?” he asks,
as he puts on an innocent face. ”The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
again.”
Wife…
Your dog can’t watch you
Dos macarruzos est�n sentados en
Dos macarruzos est�n sentados en un banco del parque. Para matar el aburrimiento le dice uno al otro:
“Oye, tron, �sabes que est�s sentado al lado del menda m�s pasota y macarra del barrio?
“�Haaaala, pero qu� dices! Toda la basca sabe que el m�s chulo y pasota soy yo”.
“�Qu� soy yo!”
“�No, qu� soy yo!”
Y se tiran un rato as� discutiendo, hasta que pasa un matrimonio de avanzada edad por delante de ellos. Uno de los dos se levanta y asegura retador:
“Ahora vas a ver qui�n es el m�s pasota y macarra”.
Dicho esto, se dirige al matrimonio que iban cogidos de la mano y les mete una paliza de esc�ndalo. Sodomiza al hombre y viola repetidas veces a la mujer. Sacudi�ndose las manos vuelve donde estaba su colega:
“�Soy o no soy el m�s pasota del barrio?
“��Pasota?! Pasota yo, que estaba tan tranquilo aqu� sentado mientras te follabas a MIS VIEJOS”.
It’s Dark in Here
A married woman is having an affair. meanwhile her young son hides in the
closet. one day she hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet
as well.
inside the closet, the little boy says, “its dark in here, isn’t it?”
“yes it is,” the man replies.
“you wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.
“no thanks,” the man replies.
“i think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.
“ok. how much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in.
“twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.
“twenty-five dollars?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect
his hidden position.
the following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car
in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
“it’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.
“yes it is,” replies the man.
“wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.
“ok. how much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
the next weekend, the little boy’s father says “hey, son. go get your ball and
glove and we’ll play some catch.”
“i can’t. i sold them,” replies the little boy.
“how much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit
in terms of lizards and candy?
“seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.
“seventy-five dollars?! that’s thievery! i’m taking you to the church right
now. you must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness”, the father explains as
he hauls the child away.
at the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain,
sits down, and says “its dark in here isn’t it?”
“don’t you start that s*** in here,” the priest says.